Fun With Telemarketers

 

Ten Ways To Have Fun With Telemarketers...

 

1. Warn them at the beginning of the phone call that you have tirrets syndrome and ask if they can be patient with you. Sound interested but sporadically scream obscenities at them - see how long they last.

 

2. Say you would love to speak to them but you've just invited a pair of Jehovah's witnesses in for a cup of tea and you are right in the middle of the 'trinity' debate.

 

3. When you realise its a telemarketer, start a pitch of your own to them using a script such as "Here at Pet Divas we have a vast selection of fashion clothing and accessories for your pet. Our major lines are 'Cats in Bomber Jackets' . 'Dogs in Hats' and 'Budgies in Dungarees' you can order over the telephone now or I can send you a brochure. Do you have a credit card handy?"

 

4. Tell them that you are the wife of the company's Human Resources Director, tell them their customer service is appalling and demand their name and employee number.

 

5. Talk really slowly, ask as many relevant or irrelevant questions you can think of. Go ahead to the purchasing part of the conversation then ask them if they accept NETTO loyalty cards.

 

6. After each sentence the telemarker says, simply ask "What you talking 'bout Willis" impersonating Arnold from Different Strokes'

 

7. Become a sufferer of Multiple Personalty Syndrome argue with your different personalities on the merits of buying new double glazing from their company

 

8. If the telemarketer is the opposite sex from you, accuse them of being your husband / wife's 'bit on the side'. Explain that you are tired of them calling up and pretending to be a salesperson and that you have seen them creeping about outside and will call the police if they make further contact.

 

9. Especially if they sound new and nervous: Say you would love to buy what ever they are selling but only if they can answer all your questions. Ask things such as when the company was founded, whether they test on animals, what their stance is on fair trading, whether they have a 'Green Policy' and whether they fund any militant organisations.

 

10. Sob inconsolably down the phone as soon as they start talking. Do not answer their questions, just keep quietly sobbing. If they say they are going to hang up simply whisper - 'please don't hang up'. Then continue to ignore them as you sniffle away. See how long they stay on the phone.

 

 

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If God brings you to it he'll bring you through it............

 

 

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

 

TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

 

THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

 

FOUR. When you say, 'I love you ,' mean it.

 

FIVE. When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.

 

SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

 

SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.

 

EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

 

NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

 

TEN.. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.

 

ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives.

 

TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.

 

THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'

 

FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

 

FIFTEEN. Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.

 

SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson !

 

SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.

 

EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship...

 

NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

 

TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

 

TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

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AUSTRALIAN DEFINITION OF A "TRUE FRIEND"
 
  Are you tired of all those namby, pamby, girly, sissy, completely wet
  "friendship" poems, that never come close to reality? Well, here is a
  series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:
 
   
 
  1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against
  the sorry mongrel who made you that way.
 
   
 
  2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
 
   
 
  3. When you smile - I will know you've finally had a s**g
 
   
 
  4. When you are scared - I will tease the crap out of you about it every
  chance I get.
 
   
 
  5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much
  worse it could be to stop you bloody whining.
 
   
 
  6. When you are confused - I will use little words.
 
   
 
  7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well
  again, I don't want whatever you have.
 
   
 
  8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy self.
 
   
 
  This is my oath..........I pledge it till the end. Why you may ask?
  Because you are my friend.
 
  Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you
  can only think of two, and one of them isn't speaking to you right now
  anyway.
 
  Remember: A good friend will help you move. A really good friend will help
  you
  move a body. So let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.
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Guide Dog  Poem

 

He is my other eyes that can see above the clouds:

my other ears that can hear above the winds.

He is the part of me that can reach into the sea.

 

He has told me a thousand times over that I am his reason for being:

by the way he rests against my leg: by the way he thumps his tail at my smallest smile: by the way he shows his hurt when I leave without taking him (I think it makes him sick with worry he is not around to care for me)

 

When I am wrong, he is delighted to forgive.

When I am angry, he clowns to make me smile.

When I am happy, he is joy unbounded.

When I am a fool, he ignores it.

When I succeed, he brags.

Without him, I am only another man.

With him I am all-powerful.

He is loyalty itself.

He has taught me the meaning of devotion.

With him I know a secret comfort and a private peace. He has brought me understanding where before I was ignorant.

His head against my knee can heal my human hurts.

His presence by my side is protection against my fears of dark and unknown things.

He has promised to wait for me...

whenever... wherever - incase I need him.

And I expect I will - as I always have.

He is just my dog.

 

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Star Signs

 

 

Does your one suit you?

 

This is real deal, try ignoring it, and the first thing you'll notice is having a horrible day starting tomorrow morning - and it only gets worse from there.

 

 

ARIES - The Aggressive

 

Outgoing. Lovable. Spontaneous. Not one to mess with. Funny. Excellent kisser EXTREMELY adorable. Loves relationships, and family is very important to

an Aries.  Aries are known for being generous and giving. Addictive. Loud. Always has the need to be 'Right'. Aries will argue to prove their point for

hours and hours.  Aries are some of the most wonderful people in the world.  16 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

 

TAURUS - The Tramp

 

Aggressive. Loves being in long relationships.  Likes to give a good fight.

Fight for what they want. Can be annoying at times, but for the love of attention.  Extremely outgoing. Loves to help people in times of need. Good kisser.

Good personality. Stubborn. A caring person. They can be self centered and if they want something they will do anything to get it.. They love to sleep

and can be lazy.  One of a kind. Not one to mess with. Are the most attractive people on earth! 15 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

 

GEMINI - The Twin

 

Nice. Love is one of a kind. Great listeners Very Good at confusing people... Lover not a fighter, but will still knock you out. Gemini's will not take

any crap from anyone. Gemini's like to tell people what they should do and get offended easily.  They are great at losing things and are forgetful.  Gemini's

can be very sarcastic and childish at times, and are very nosey.

Trustworthy. Always happy. VERY Loud. Talkative. Outgoing VERY FORGIVING. Loves to make out. Has a beautiful smile. Generous. Strong. THE MOST IRRESISTIBLE.

9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

 

CANCER - The Beauty

 

MOST AMAZING KISSER. Very high appeal.. A Cancer's Love is one of a kind. Very romantic. Most caring person you will ever meet in your life.  Entirely

creative Person, most's are artists and insane respectfully speaking.  They perfected sex and do it often.  Extremely random. An Ultimate Freak. Extremely

funny and is usually the life of the party.  Most cancers will take you under their wing and into their hearts where you will remain forever.  Cancers

make love with a passion beyond compare

Spontaneous.  Not a Fighter, But will kick your ass good if it comes down to it. Someone you should hold on to! 12 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

 

 

LEO - The Lion

 

Great talker. Attractive and passionate. Laid back. Usually happy, but when unhappy tend to be grouchy and childish.  A Leo's problem becomes everyone's

problem.  Most Leos are very predictable and tend to be monotonous.. Knows how to have fun. Is really good at almost anything. Great kisser. Very predictable.

Outgoing.  Down to earth. Addictive. Attractive. Loud.. Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Not one to mess with. Rare to find. Good when found.

7 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

 

VIRGO - The One that Waits

 

Dominant in relationships. Someone loves them right now. Always wants the last word. Caring. Smart. Loud. Loyal. Easy to talk to. Everything you ever wanted.

Easy to please.. A pushover.  Loves to gamble and take chances.  Needs to have the last say in everything.  They think they know everything and usually

do.  Respectful to others but you will quickly lose their respect if you do something untrustworthy towards them and never regain respect.  The do not

forgive and never forget the one and only. 7 years of bad luck  if you do not forward.

 

LIBRA - The Lame One

 

Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! However,

 not the kind of person you want to mess with... you might end up crying... Libras can cause as much havoc as they can prevent.  faithful friends to the

end.  Can hold a grudge for years.  Libras are someone you want on your side.  Usually great at sports and are extreme sports fanatics.  Kinda dumb at

times.  9 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

 

SCORPIO - The Addict

 

EXTREMELY adorable.  Loves to joke. Very Good sense of humor. Will try almost anything once.  Loves to be pampered.  Energetic. Predictable. GREAT kisser.

Always get what they want.  Attractive.  Loves being in long relationships. Talkative. Loves to party but at times to the extreme.  Loves the smell and

feel of money and is good at making it but just as good at spending it!  Very protective over loved ones. HARD workers. Can be a good friend but if disrespected

by a friend, the friendship will end. Romantic. Caring.

4 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

 

SAGITTARIUS - The Promiscuous One

 

Spontaneous. High appeal. Rare to find. Great when found. Loves being in long relationships. So much love to give. A loner most of the time.  Loses patience

easily and will not take crap.  If in a bad mood stay FAR away.  Gets offended easily and remembers the offense forever.  Loves deeply but at times will

not show it feels it is a sign of weakness.  Has many fears but will not show it.  VERY private person.  Defends loved ones will all their abilities. Can

be childish often. Not one to mess with. Very pretty. Very romantic. Nice to everyone they meet. Their Love is one of a kind. Silly, fun and sweet. Have

own unique appeal. Most caring person you will ever meet! Amazing in bed..!!! Not the kind of person you want to mess with- you might end up crying. 4

years of bad luck if you do not forward.

 

CAPRICORN - The Passionate Lover

 

Love to bust. Nice. Sassy. Intelligent. Sexy. Grouchy at times and annoying to some.  Lazy and love to take it easy.  But when they find a job or something

they like to do they put their all into it.  Proud, understanding and sweet.

Irresistible. Loves being in long relationships. Great talker. Always

gets what he or she wants. Cool. Loves to win against other signs especially Gemini's in sports.  Likes to cook but would rather go out to eat at good

restaurants.

Extremely fun. Loves to joke. Smart. 24 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

 

AQUARIUS - Does It In The Water

 

Trustworthy. Attractive. Great kisser. One of a kind, loves being in

long-term relationships. Can be clumsy at times but tries hard.  Will take on any project.  Proud of themselves in whatever they do.  Messy, and unorganized.

 Procrastinators.  Great lovers, when their not sleeping.  Extreme thinkers. Loves their pets usually more then their family.  Can be VERY irritating to

others when they try to explain or tell a story.  Unpredictable. Will exceed your expectations. Not a Fighter, But will Knock your lights out. 2 years

of bad luck if you do not forward

 

PISCES - The Partner for Life

 

Caring and kind. Smart. Center of attention. Messy at times and irresponsible!  Smart but lazy.  High appeal. Has the last word. Good to find, hard to

keep. Passionate, wonderful lovers.  Fun to be around. Too trusting at times and gets hurt easily.  Lover of animals.  VERY caring, make wonderful nurses

or doctors. They always try to do the right thing sometimes get the short end of the stick.  They sometimes get used by others and hurt because of their

trusting.   Extremely weird but in a good way. Good Sense of Humor!!! Thoughtful. Always gets what he or she wants. Loves to joke. Very popular. Silly,

fun and sweet. Good friend to other but need to be choosy on who they allow their friends to be.  5 years of bad luck if you do not forward.

 

OK here's the thing you cant send this to the person who sent this to you so good luck! the other hard part is that last one with this is the loser.

 

ready ......... set............ GO!

 

1-3 people= 1 minute of luck

 

4-7 people= 1 hour of luck

 

8-12 people = 1 day of luck

 

13-17 people = 1 week of luck

 

18-22 people = 1 month of luck

 

23-27 people = 3 months of luck

 

28- 32 people = 7 months of luck

 

33-37 people = 1 year of luck

 

38 and more = a very lucky life!

 

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HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL

 

1.   Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. position right forefinger & thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

 

2.   Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

 

3.   Retrieve cat from bedroom, throw soggy pill away.

 

4.   Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

 

5.   Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.

 

6.   Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

 

7.   Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

 

8.   Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

 

9.   Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

 

10.    Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with desert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

 

11.    Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

 

12.    Call fire department to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road.  Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

 

13.    Tie the little x&*@#''s front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak.  Be rough about it!  Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

 

14.    Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

 

15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 

HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

 

1.       Wrap it in bacon.

2.        

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