A blonde, a brunette and a red head were smoking cigarettes one afternoon. The blonde had Camels, red head had Marlboros, and the brunette had Kools.

 

It began to pour down raining, so the red head and brunette both pull out a condom and put it on their cigs. The blonde says “what are you doing?” - and

they say “we’re saving it for later!”

 

Impressed, and in a hurry, the blonde goes to the nearest store and asks for a condom. The clerk says “What size? small, medium, or large?” She said “I

dont know… one to fit a camel?” 

 

 

..

 

Kramer goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down

and says, “7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown”.

 

Kramer just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, “Are you

Ok?”

 

In a very weak voice Kramer says, “Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?” The big dude says, “When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured

I’d give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. “I’m 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each,

and my name is Turner Brown.”

 

Kramer said, “Oh Thank God! I thought you said ‘Turn Around’” 

 

 

 

 

 

A rural family

 was given some venison from a friend. The wife carefully prepared deer steaks and served it to her husband and their children. The husband thought it would

be fun to have the children guess what they were eating for dinner.

 

“Is is beef?” The daughter Julie asked.

“Nope.”

 

“Is it pork?” the son Will asked.

“Nope.”

 

“Heck, we don’t know, Dad!” Will exclaimed.

 

“I’ll give you a clue,” the Husband said, “It’s what your mom sometimes calls me.”

 

“Spit it out, Will!” cried Julie, “We’re eating Asshole!” 

 

 

 

….

 

 

 

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.

The shop owner points to 3 identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "the parrot on the left costs $500.00".

"Why does that one cost so much?" asked the shopper.

The owner says "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer."

The man then asks about the next parrot and was told that this one costs $1,000.00 because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows the

UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly started man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs $2,000.00.

Needless to say this begs the question "What can it do?"

To which the owner replies "to be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!"  

 

 

 

 

This guy walks into a pet store. For the past two weeks he has suspected his wife of cheating on him, so he decides to buy a parrot that can tell him what

goes on at his house during the day while he is at work.

'Well' says the pet store owner, 'I only got one bird that can do that, but he's got no legs. The guy looks at him and says, 'Well if he ain't got no legs,

how's he balance himself on the perch.

'He's got a really long penis, so he wraps it around the perch.' The guy thinks it over and decides to buy the parrot.

He takes it home and sure enough the bird wraps his penis around the perch for balance.

Everyday the man comes home and asks the parrot if his wife has been cheating on him. Every time the same answer, 'Raawk, nothing doing, Raawk'.

Well, one day he comes home and finds the parrot lying on the bottom of its birdcage. He picks it up and asks what has happened. 'Raawk, big happenings,

Raawk, big happenings'.

'Well, what happened?' asks the man. The parrot responds, 'Raawk, first your best friend came over, Raawk, then your wife made him breakfast, raawk, then

they started kissing, raawk, then your wife took off her shirt.

'And, and, then what happens?' asks the man really upset. 'Raawk, I don't know, that's when I got a woody and fell off my perch!'

.

 

 

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive.

Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a

good example...

Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming - then suddenly there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I ask your

forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: "May I ask what

the chicken did?"

 

 

..

 

 

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.

There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty

vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.

She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought, "That's really not so bad."

When her two daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband 'Keith' came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,

"Hi, Keith!"

 

 

..

 

 

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